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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.